It’s no secret that I’m an anxious person. In fact, I’ve been trying to be more talkative about it in an effort to not make my life look so Instagram-filter perfect. What’s difficult for me is not having control over things in my life, which is part of the reason why I moved forward with self-publishing Without Benefits. But sometimes I get into these tail-spins where I try and dig up the things I don’t have control over and do what I can to get that control back.
Zoom in on today, my empty blog, my new theme.
Last night I had a minor meltdown about my upcoming cover reveal, book launch, dinner with new friends, my AWP trip, among a bunch of other things. So what did I do? I tried to regain control over something, anything, that I could. I sent e-mails I felt guilty about afterwards and I decided to switch my hosting site over from FreeHostia, where I was using a WordPress plugin, to WordPress.com.
So now I’m rebuilding my entire website.
Normally, my quest for control involves bigger things: changing jobs, changing schools, or changing majors. Maybe a website doesn’t seem like a big deal in the long run, and sure using WordPress as a host is SO much easier than the plugin, but I run my business of my website. It is a big deal. A big enough deal that I should’ve thought it through more than clicking “add domain” and paying the $13. A big enough deal that I no longer have posts scheduled or posts archived.
So I’m starting over. Clean slate.
And maybe that’s what feels so good and so scary about this empty website. Going forward I can really cultivate my content, make my brand–effectively reinvent this little space of the internet I carved out for myself. I can’t get back what I’ve lost, so I have to move forward. I can’t take control over things that aren’t mine, so I give as much support as I can and hope for the best. For me, it’s just learning when to take a deep breath and step back. It’s learning to sleep on decisions before I make them. On learning that if something isn’t doing as well as I want it to, but I don’t have control over it, it’s not my fault.
Everything does not have to be perfect. If everything was perfect, there’d be no books. No conflict that moves them forward. Messy is good. Chaos is better.